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Refried Bean
by E.W. Wilder

Bean Newton went through a stage in the early ‘90s, at about the same time as the Gulf War, and partially as a result of pent-up reactions to Reagan-era politics, during which he took to questioning everything - literally - and made a good-faith effort to redefine it all. Problematically, though not a bit surprisingly, this sent him back to the institutional setting that had defined his late adolescence. Records show him signing a release at SunnySail Rehab Center “Beanie Baby” with little apparent irony.

The following poem, one of many bearing the title “Definitions” from this period, was found in Newton’s file at SunnySail scrawled on a napkin stolen from the rehab center’s cafeteria in what seems to be magenta Crayola crayon.

by Bean Newton

stoat: not an elephant

happiness: a contented stoat

hunger: biscuits of stoat

starvation: stoat biscuits covered in stoat sauce

anchor management: the last resort of the fetid seaman

G.D.P.: how much your stoat makes

foreign policy: how to bomb a stoat

national security: It’s 10:00 o’ clock; do you know where your stoat is?

parental control: how to hit your stoat with a nite stick and not leave visible bruises

parental control (2): There’s no such thing as sex. My stoat wouldn’t do that, anyway.

clod: balled stoat

cloud: misty stoat

heaven: Mysti Stoat
hell: de-mystified stoat (on a bun)

purgation: how to heave a stoat

anti-emetic: Pepto-stoat-imol

mental illness: global stoat consciousness

mental illin’ness: rap-funk-rock-stoat fusion (w/ a peppermint twist)

elvin magic: they’re stoat-ily-delicious

dessert: whipped stoat (w/ a cherry on top)

capital investment: stoat01(k)

modern meat-packing: “Them Mexicans sure know how to butcher a stoat.”

carpel-tunnel: inflammation of the stoat

Green Kegs & Spam: a children’s book by Dr. Stoat

pinball: the subject of The Who’s rock opera Tommy

Tommy: brand-name stoat

Logostoat: It’s all around you. Like the q-waves beamed from the network of government satellites. Where were you when they assassinated Jim Jones?