by E.W. Wilder
Not often known for his clarity of expression, in this undated piece, Bean Newton turned to a straightforward address of one of America's main obsessions: salvation.
Dating back to the colonial era, immigrants to This Great Land of Ours have sought, in various ways, to Get Right with The Lord, generally through violence and the oppression or extermination of other, darker, people. According to Newton, this urge has remained, but has been transferred to advertising, commerce, industry, and capitalism.
He may not agree that there's one born every minute, but Americans as a whole seem to be born for this very sort of transformation.
[The things from which we believe we must be saved.]
The things from which we believe we must be saved:
Jerry Lee Lewis
Cherry pie [as violent as].
Work. Women. Wine.
Song bears books
Monty Hall Madonna
Chocolate mousse Helen Gurley Brown
Mister Rogers microphones bedhead
split enz B.O. tooth decay Tom Delay
Mooslims The Demon Gin Wacky Weed
spinsterhood heart disease backphat
unibrow information overlord
rootkits ramen breath
wrinkles dropped calls no bars
low batteries The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations
lack of lactation low bit rate
low 'T' overactive bladder
restless legs ADHD GMOs
gluten phone scams Nigerian princes
tranny porn broken oaths moral relativism
lack of financial planning personal injury
inadequate courage low credit, no credit, no money down
bad mattresses, cracked siding, drafty windows,
pissy beer, being queer, vinyl veneer,
popcorn ceilings, fake countertops, data, child
support, forced entry, identity theft, mange, mortgages, infertility, imbecility, rheumatism, embolism,
the lamestream media, the wimp factor, the chiropractor, the trash compactor.
The Rooskies, the brewskis, the me-too-skis,
floozies, Uzis, bugs, Uggs, mugshots, quarter slots,
Tequila shots, nanobots, brain rots, ocelots, Cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys.
Flying turds, mynah birds, violent Kurds, cattle herds, minestrone,
the Phony Moronie, Michelangelo Antonioni, Karl Marx.
Entropy, philanthropy, misanthropy, Michael Anthony.
The Midas Touch, a shattered clutch, thus and such, a little
Original sin, Gunga Din, Sir Christopher Wren,
a boggy fen.
A tall order, this, for the race wracked and fettered, bettered
by its own imagination.