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Postmodern Village
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Bean Saved?
by E.W. Wilder

Not often known for his clarity of expression, in this undated piece, Bean Newton turned to a straightforward address of one of America's main obsessions: salvation.

Dating back to the colonial era, immigrants to This Great Land of Ours have sought, in various ways, to Get Right with The Lord, generally through violence and the oppression or extermination of other, darker, people. According to Newton, this urge has remained, but has been transferred to advertising, commerce, industry, and capitalism.

He may not agree that there's one born every minute, but Americans as a whole seem to be born for this very sort of transformation.

 

[The things from which we believe we must be saved.]
by Bean Newton

The things from which we believe we must be saved:

Jerry Lee Lewis

Cherry pie [as violent as].

Work.      Women.    Wine.
Song      bears    books
Monty Hall      Madonna
Chocolate mousse      Helen Gurley Brown
Mister Rogers      microphones bedhead
split enz    B.O.    tooth decay    Tom Delay
Mooslims    The Demon Gin    Wacky Weed
spinsterhood    heart disease    backphat
unibrow      information overlord
socialism      single-payer
rootkits      ramen breath
wrinkles   dropped calls   no bars
low batteries  The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations
lack of lactation    low bit rate
low 'T'    overactive bladder
restless legs   ADHD   GMOs
gluten      phone scams    Nigerian princes
tranny porn   broken oaths    moral relativism
lack of financial planning   personal injury
inadequate courage    low credit, no credit, no money down
bad mattresses, cracked siding, drafty windows,
pissy beer, being queer, vinyl veneer,
popcorn ceilings, fake countertops, data, child
support, forced entry, identity theft, mange, mortgages, infertility, imbecility, rheumatism, embolism,
the lamestream media, the wimp factor, the chiropractor, the trash compactor.
The yips.
The Rooskies, the brewskis, the me-too-skis,
floozies, Uzis, bugs, Uggs, mugshots, quarter slots,
Tequila shots, nanobots, brain rots, ocelots, Cheese-eating Surrender Monkeys.
Flying turds, mynah birds, violent Kurds, cattle herds, minestrone,
the Phony Moronie, Michelangelo Antonioni, Karl Marx.
Entropy, philanthropy, misanthropy, Michael Anthony.
The Midas Touch, a shattered clutch, thus and such, a little
too much.
Original sin, Gunga Din, Sir Christopher Wren,
a boggy fen.

A tall order, this, for the race wracked and fettered, bettered
by its own imagination.