What Do Communists
Eat for Breakfast?
by Francine DuBois
For that chick in a Levi's commercial
I. Sugar-Coated Stalin Smacks
Bambi, the seventeen-year-old daughter
Of a Beanie Baby collector and
An unemployed porn fiend,
Proudly announced her intention
To be a socialist this year:
"Socialism is when you go to lots of parties.
The socialist party has lots of beer at it.
But I donít want to be a communist and live in a commune.
Her mother didnít look up from her Beanie Times, but instead
Exclaimed that Chuckles was retired.
Her father simply belched his Michelob breakfast.
The dog sighed from beneath the table.
Bambi attempted to finish the word puzzles on her box
Of Sugar-Coated Stalin Smacks.
II. Trotsky Treats
"See, all history is about class struggles, you know,
The freshmen against the sophomores, the seniors against everybody"
Bambi leaned against her locker so Brad could see her fine hips
Silhouetted in the afternoon glow. "So be a socialist with me.
Makes sense, you know? So, letís party sometime. Itíll be cool."
She handed Brad her Trotsky Treat left over from lunch.
"Iím on a diet, so Iíll be getting skinny for you. You can have
He took it, looked at her, blinked once and forgot everything she said.
"So, you wanna make out instead of going to chemistry?" he
"Sure, I mean, what the hell?" she giggled.
III. Francos and Beans
"So, Iím a facist, that means I like fashion, right? Because I
Old Navy is simply the best there is. I mean, Tommy Hilfigerís okay,
But Old Navy is just so much cooler. That blond chick in the ads is
Like an old Heather Locklear, but you know, I guess affirmative action
Works for old people too." Bambi munched her Francos and Beans
While her father wondered if sheíd ever end up in one of his favorite
"Thereís so many possibilities for me right now, Dad. I hate to
tie myself down.
Besides, I think a blend of fashion and parties is a perfect match,
Cargo pants and a navy blue ribbed tank top. See, Iím talking like a
IV. Lenin Lite
"Great taste, less filling. Sounds like my ex-boyfriendís wiener,"
Francine's Version -- Hezekiah's Version -- Inspiration
As she tossed back another Lenin Lite. "You know, this party sucks.
Itís not a party
Until someone tries to take advantage of me. Like that guy over there,
To come over here and oppress me until I fall in love with him.
I think he goes to college already. Heís got a nice car. Hey!"
Brad, having dumped Bambi two hours ago, was already at home
With his new girlfriend who wasnít so "smart and intimidating."
Bambi continued to talk to no one in particular, "He was just scared
Because Iím so socially aware. Like I know that guy over there wants
Itís because Iím a senior and heís just a junior. Thatís what Iím talking
When I say class struggles. Well, thereís only one beer left and Iím
Scarce resources. Ha!" As she was stumbling around this mysterious
She found a copy of the Communist Manifesto and she threw
across the room.
"Dirty commies. I bet they drink generic beer. Itís their fault
Iím flunking history."
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