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Ask Martin Van Buren


Martin Van Psychic


Our professional mediums have the glow-in-the-dark Ouija board all charged up and are ready to ask Martin your questions. To submit a question, just write us at mrmartinvanburen@yahoo.com and we'll send you the answer and post it here.

Q. If I'm elected as President, what should I do first?
Al, Tennessee; George, Texas; Ralph, Washington; Pat, Hades; John, California

Since my poor showing in the polls has prevented me from furthering my campaign, I am throwing my support behind Bill the Cat. However, I do have Ten Commandments for the ultimate winner of the presidency.

Q. What color are your socks?
Michelle, New Jersey

While I do wear flip-flops during the sorching summer heat, I am often found wearing navy paisley socks. While the Eastland shoes craze was "so 1990," as a young girl named Virginia informed me, they are just too darned comfortable to give up. I have also just now mastered the darned knots that was all the rage.

Q. You're cuter than Bush or Gore. Can I vote for you in the 2000 election?
Tammie, Louisiana

Yes! Since I was not re-elected to a second term, I am still eligible to serve my country. I am running as the candidate representing the Old School/Good Ol' Days Party. I am now eligible for $12 million dollars in federal campaign funds which I plan to spend entirely on smear ads against Bill the Cat, whom I also hear is running. We're for education, against murder, and will definitely do something about the "death tax."

Q. I'm in love with two girls. One is very intelligent, but not very pretty. She always laughs at my jokes and makes me feel all warm inside. The other one is gorgeous, but mocks me. Which one should I choose to take to prom?
Trevor, Oregon

"Coming into office the declared enemy of both, I have earnestly endeavored to prevent a resort to either."

Q. What's up with the national debt?
Misti, Wyoming

"The policy of the Federal Government in extinguishing as rapidly as possible the national debt, and subsequently in resisting every temptation to create a new one, deserves to be regarded in the same favorable light. Among the many objections to a national debt, the certain tendency of public securities to concentrate ultimately in the coffers of foreign stockholders is one which is every day gathering strength. Already have the resources of many of the States and the future industry of their citizens been indefinitely mortgaged to the subjects of European Governments to the amount of twelve millions annually to pay the constantly accruing interest on borrowed money-a sum exceeding half the ordinary revenues of the whole United States. The pretext which this relation affords to foreigners to scrutinize the management of our domestic affairs, if not actually to intermeddle with them, presents a subject for earnest attention, not to say of serious alarm."

Q. How do I get back to the main Martin Fan Bureau page?
Samantha, Great Britain

Click here.