Lies About Martin Van Buren
Or History According to the Fibbers
Martin was born to Emmy Sue Van Buren in 1782. When slapped on the
butt by the doctors, Martin promptly raised his fist in moral indignation.
His father, a Jesuit bartender who once sharpened George Washington's
son's hatchet, resided with his family in Albany, New York. Martin was
the youngest of ten children and the only child not named after a character
in the Canterbury Tales. The eldest sister, Alisoun, killed herself
thirty-nine days after Martin's birth by throwing herself in the river.
Had she lived twenty-three more days, she would have given birth to
Martin's first nephew.
Martin was like any other child. He enjoyed playing "Chief Commander
of the Armed Forces of the Hill" with his best friend Thomas. They went
to school together until the age of 14 when Martin dropped out. "School's
a drag, man," he was rumored to have said later that fateful day in
his father's bar. He later developed a weakness for orange-flavored
powder (dubbed "Tang" during the great Space Race) mixed with vodka.
After scribbling notes for what was later to become "L.A. Law," Martin
realized his life dream was to become president. He prepared by reading
tons of books in law. Remember, this is back in the good old days when
people gave you jobs based on your skills, not on pointless pieces of
paper. It was at the law firm that he developed his passion for high
fashion. He once modeled the latest suits for his local newspaper and
was rewarded handsomely. His foundation, began by his prestigious law
firm after his departure into politics full-time, gave rise to Gucci
in the late 1900s. Although Martin was dead by then, his memory lives
on in each leather bag and each suede penny loafer.
Martin rose to power through political allies. Supplying George Clinton,
DeWitt's uncle, with a "white-boy's view of funk" earned him a minor
post in the State House of Representatives. His profound attraction
to Peggy Eaton, especially after the death of his wife Hannah in a freak
carriage accident, made Andrew Jackson love Martin just as much. Smart
political moves paved the way to the White House.
Unfortunately, he was tied a little too closely to Jackson and inherited
many of his problems. Thus is usually the way with co-dependency. Martin's
second youngest son watched his father's problems and vowed to correct
them by writing self-help books. His idea was much too revolutionary
for an America on the brink of war: after the Civil War, he peddled
his books with great success in Alabama.
After serving one term as President and presiding over the Panic of
1838, the Trail of Tears, and other mishaps, Martin remained a part
of the political machine. After driving by a construction site advertising
"free fill dirt," he decided to found a new political party: "The Free-Soil
Party." It was originally designed to be a joke, but Martin was misunderstood
by the press and the name stuck.
Horrified, the elegant and stately Van Buren continued to release
statements to the press, but mostly did his business through other people.
With the advent of the Civil War, he promptly swooned and died two years
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