Papers: Part II
Bernstein and MacGruff make a compelling case for letting
the Department of Homeland Security go to the dogs - literally.
It couldn't be worse than what we've currently got,
after all, and, unlike the pudgy oaf who felt This Correspondent
up on the way down to Zamas, canines really don't know
any better when they sniff your crotch. |
At one time we would have looked up to the literal stars when
we wanted to feel small and insignificant. Now, contends Rowe-Klein,
we look to the shimmering twinkle of Hillary Duff and Nick Lachey
on E.T. The planetarium-style PowerPoint™ presentation
of images stolen from Us Weekly's website was
poignantly diminishing. Instead of leaving through the door,
those of us who harbored only normal egos just slid right under. |
Sometimes a cigar is just a phallic symbol, and Wildyule, her thick, Russian accent mezzoing through elegant puffs, turned This Correspondent as ingenuous as a newborn pup. The better to sell to us, of course, but combined with those heels and those long leather gloves . . . . It's a good thing Cialis is available in vending machines in Mexico. But then, that was all part of the plan: to turn us into Eli-Lilly-livered buy-monkeys. Cigar-fetishists beware: those things cause shrinkage! |
Todi® was most compelling when, after the room filled with garbage that he had pre-arranged to drop from the ceiling and covered conferees in debris and a foul-smelling sludge, he insisted that we pay him $20 each to pay a Mexican guy $2 to clean it all up. |
|
Modismal and Dhong expose the steamy world of Asian porn where
experimentation and competition reign supreme. In a series of
films loosely translated into English as The Steel Trap
Clam, an eccentric billionaire challenges "married
couples" with a secret sexual maneuver. They have thirty
minutes to practice before performing before the judge, then
they are ranked on appearance, finale and "taste."
Modismal and Dhong were obviously very eager for this to be
brought to The States. Ladies at this program ignored the room's
hospitality spread for some reason. |
It takes a cruel mind to pair Paris Hilton and Kim Jong Il together, but as the outtakes from this never-to-be-aired reality show prove, the two really have a lot in common. Their hilarious experience car shopping for Hilton's Range Rover had the audience laughing at the utter predictability of the situation: she looked for the vanity mirror and, while he was a bit interested in that, he wanted to know from where one could fire missiles. If this ever makes it to DVD or the Internet, don't miss Kim Jong Il explaining the power of propaganda to Paris. Yet again, this reviewer left a session fearing for the state of our world – and no amount of the free margaritas could soothe that concern. |
J.
Edgar Woofer: Canine-Based Olfactory Analysis in the Golden
Age of Inter-Breed Terrah
Keebler
Selves: Lacan, Foucault, Fudge Stripes, and the Lilliputianization
of the Common Consumer as Co-Modity, a Television Viewer's
Perspective
The
Sad Economics of Earnest (and of the Impotence of the Being
of): A Po-Mo Reassignment Liturgy, or How to Make Smoking Your
Occupation.jpg)
Cataracts
and Effluent: Mountain Climbing Motifs from Hemingway to Kerouac,
an Allegory for Free Market Principles in Solid Waste Disposal
Bu-Cake-Aye,
or "I Got Yer ‘Sweet Cream' Riiight Here!":
Asian Porn Meets The Iron Chef
The
Commie Life: Kim Jong Il and Paris Hilton, Ballin' Like
Stalin