I Have a Friend

EastWesterly Review Dada Cluster

Issue 42 * Spring 2020

The EastWestern University Dada Cluster is a society dedicated to using mechanical learning, AI, autocorrect, grammar, and translation tools to "fix" and create language. Here, though, they just tackle the dadaism of everyday life in these United States. Spacing, punctuation, italics and verb/subject agreement issues have been modified in the new version.

Original -> Kannada -> Korean -> Kyrgyz -> English


New Version

I have a friend who is a good lawyer in New York.
He said.

He never called me.

I lost all my friends
I lost all my friends.
Not many friends.

They were calling me.
Hello, Dan.
Are you going out?
Come on, let's go and have some fun.

I have a friend.
I said I have friends.
No, but I lost all my friends
because they were shy, fit and kind.

They're calling now,
hello, sir, hello?
I'm fine.

I have known people for 25 years.
I'm not saying 40 or 50,
but I know 40 or 50.
I did not like such words.
Too long.
But I have known them for a long time
and they are always wonderful.

Sounds interesting.
Hello, Dan.
Let's go.
Let's do something after dinner.
Let's have lunch

I'm the President now,
I hope you're fine.
I call him Donald.
Okay, Donald.

Two minutes later it's me.
I can't.

It is a great honor for the office.
Really good, but different.
It's boring.
A judge who upholds the Constitution.

So one of these great friends came to me
and told me that they wanted to be the first judge.
Then I said goodbye.

I like the idea.
You are a good lawyer.
This is a really good idea.
I will make him a judge.
As you know, I know all this.

Thanks to President Obama,
there are 142 cells
that have never been seen before.
So far no one, maybe no one.

You will never be like gold.
It is very important.

There are 142,
but how many cells did you say?
He said, "You have 142 things.
That's why we set all these records."


Original Text

"You know, I have a friend, who's a great lawyer in New York. He said, President. He never calls me -- you know, I lost all my friends because -- I lost all my friends. I have no more friends. They used to call me. Hey, Don. Do you want to go out? Come on, let's go to dinner. Let's have fun and I'd say -- I have friends. He said I have friends. No, but I lost all my friends because they used to be loose, right, friendship. Now, they call up, hello, Mr. President, how are you? I've been good. People I've known for 25 years. I never say 40 or 50, but I've known it for 40 or 50. I don't like saying that. It's too long. But I've known them for many years and they were always so great. It's like fun. Hey, Don. Let's go out. Let's have dinner. Let's do something. Let's have lunch. Now, it's Mr. President, sir. I think you're doing very well. I say call me Donald. OK, Donald. And then, two minutes later, it's me, sir. I can't -- I like it. So that's respect for the office. It's actually a nice thing, but you know, it's not like it used to be. It's much more boring. Judges who will uphold the Constitution. So, one of these great friends came to me, and he said, you know, I'm just the first person who said I'd like to be a judge. And I said, good. I love the idea. You're a great lawyer. What a great idea. I'll make him a judge. You know, I get all these -- you know, because of President Obama, we have 142 slots, never happened before. The most anyone has ever had is like one, maybe none. You never -- that's like gold. It's like so important. You have 142, I said how many slots do I have? They said, sir, you have 142, never happened before. That's why we're setting all these records."

Donald Trump addresses Evangelicals for Trump in Miami, Jan. 3, 2020 - transcription courtesy Factbase